I-Webcam Wombat Whirlwind: Lapho Abaphikeli Be-Pixel Beba Indwangu Yobukhona Emslupheni We-Slapst...

Hawu, ngibani lapho ngizoqala ngokuthi lo mlilo wedolobha ledijithali obushisa ukubona kwami ngokuthi kungenzeka isikhathi eside esigibiswe endlini yokuzijabulisa efisa amandla? Ngihlezi lapha endlini yami emnyama kancane, ikhofi liphelelwe ukushisa, iminwe iqubuka ngokuthi inezinhloso zayo, ngizama ukuhlanganisa isiphithiphithi esivelile kule nsimu yezinhlaka zamakhamera. Konke kuqale—noma mhlawumbe kwaqhuma—ngalesi sikhova esivela emphalaphaleni wase-Filipino, igama lomsebenzisi u-LavaLita, evela endaweni yokuxoxa, amehlo akhe aluhlaza njengekati yomgwaqo ephonswe isivunguvungu, ekhulula okungachazwa ngokuthi umdlalo we-vaudeville wentaba-mlilo lapho ezwa izithelo ezenzelwa ukungavunyelwa ezivela eqandeni elingaphandle kwendawo, eziguqula zibe izimo ezingenela u-Salvador Dali abenxama futhi abaleke. Kodwa hawu, njengoba nje esakha le ndawo enkulu yokuhlukumeza, kufika i-rival enkulu, u-BustyBandit evela emazweni amabi ase-Brazil, amagophe wonke nobuqili njengomdlali womkhumbi wenkantolo ongaba umphefumulo wakho futhi awudayise ngemali enezinsuku—bam, uyathinta umoya, eguqula i-symphony yodwa ka-Lita ibe i-duel yezinhlaka ezibhidlikayo, izikrini zabo ziphuma igazi elinye njengezibambo zokushisa ezinyibilikile emnyuziyemini yokushisa.

Futhi-ke, ngoba kungani singangele izinto eziningi ze-psychosis, imizamo yeqembu yaqala ukuhlukumeza indawo eqinile—ngena eqenjini le cosmic chaos, eliholwa u-NebulaNymph, leli buhlobo elingaphezulu okubabayo okukhulumayo "babalekile ohambweni luka-Tim Burton elinomava," ama-tag akhe akhula "cosplay queen" kodwa empeleni ushintsha umdlalo we-Lovecraftian lounge singer, ecula izingoma ze-ballad kuyilapho izinto zakhe ezithinta umlingo ziqhuba njengezinkanyezi ezidukela eqenjini lasezindlini. Unalo ukungqubuzana okuqhubekayo no-EarthlyEruptor, i-goli elihlelekile elivela e-Midwest yaseMelika, yonke i-farm-girl ferocity ihlangana ne-freight-train frenzy, ephikisa i-star spectacles ka-Nebula ngezimpawu ze-mud-pie zokuphazamiseka, ishaya i-slop ngokuthi kungaphela isikhathi sokudla. Ukuncintisana kwabo? Akulona umdlalo we-chess, kungaphezu kwe-demolition derby—u-Nebula uphonsa izinciya ze-interstellar, ebiza isitayela sika-Eruptor "ukusebenza kobudlabha," kuyilapho u-Eruptor ebuyisela ngama-barnyard barbs, esola u-Nebula ngokuthi "wenza ubuwula ngothuli lwe-fairy." Kristu, ngidinga ukubhema ngemuva kokubuyela kulokho; ingqondo yami iyahlukumeza njengengwawo elibiza kancane emgodini we-mosh.

Ngibuyela ku-LavaLita, ongamuntu wokubekwa eceleni, ubamba umlingani ongakholelwa—u-TwistieTornado, lesi sikhova esivela e-Toronto esinencasa yase-Trinidad, i-age vibe yakhe ikhula mid-20s perpetual party crasher, ama-tag agcwele "dance fiend" kodwa hawu mfana, udansa nesimo esibi, ezungeza izindaba ze-twisters ezishwaba amadolobha wonke, imidlalo yakhe i-blender ye-ballet ne-bedlam lapho ethula lezi serpentine swallowers ezingaba i-hydra. Cabanga: u-Lita no-Twistie bahlangana ngokumelene ne-banditry ka-BustyBandit, i-chaos yabo ehlanganyelwe idala i-crossovers ezishwabada eqhwaleni lonke njenge-glitch ku-matrix, izikrini zihlukana, izethameli zikhala njengama-hyaena njengoba leli qembu likhulula i-barrage ye-bubbly bedlam, i-metaphors ziguquka kusukela ezinhlekeleleni ze-culinary catastrophes—cabanga izithelo ezenzelwa ukungavunyelwa e-flambéed emcimbilini—kuya ezinhlekeleleni ze-futuristic fiascos lapho izinto ze-gadgets zikhanya njenge-neutron stars ezizokwehlelelwa. Ngabona ngimuncumunca njengomhlope we-helium, ngimema ku-monitor yami, "Ngubani owabhala le shitshow? Umzimba ka-Hunter S. Thompson ose-bender?"

Kuyilapho, ngikholelwa emithunzini, i-faction ye-earthly eruptions iqala ukuqhumeka, iqumbe ngaphezulu—u-EarthlyEruptor, leso sikhova sase-Midwest esikhulunywe ngokugcwele, ubuyela ngokuziphindiselela, indaba yakhe ikhula kusukela ezimfundweni ze-harvest hijinks kuya ezolimo ze-apocalyptic, lapho avuna i-havoc ngezinto ezingenela isilwane somculi esihlanyakile, eguqula ikona yakhe le-web ibe i-petri dish ye-pulsating pandemonium. Unalo ukungqubuzana okufisa no-SilkSiren, i-operator eliguquguquka elivela e-Singapore, yonke i-Eastern elegance egqokwe i-enigma, ubuhlanga bakhe bungena enceleni ye-exotic njenge-explosion yemakethe yezinongo, i-age vibe yakhe i-late-20s seductress obone kakhulu ama-spy thrillers. U-SilkSiren angena phakathi kwesenzo, ehlekisa ngama-threads atamtamisa ahle phumela eqinisweni, isitayela sakhe siqukethwe kakhulu kunokuqhuma kwe-earthy ka-Eruptor—kuyilapho i-silk ibhekana ne-soil, i-finesse ibhekana ne-fury, futhi lapho zihlangana? Boom, i-crossover calamity lapho ama-threads ka-Siren atwebana no-Eruptor eruptions, ezala i-hybrids ezingamanga ezibonakala sengathi u-Hieronymus Bosch wadweba umboniso we-burlesque kuma-bath salts.

Kodwa lungaza, ubungozi buphezulu lapho abancane bahlangana—ngena u-FeralFoxfire, lesi sikhova se-fox-tailed firebrand sase-France, ama-tag akhula "roleplay rogue" kodwa ungaphezu kwe-rogue element kunanoma yini, evela ngokuphindukela njenge-meteor phakathi kwe-meltdown, i-fiery flair yakhe ivusa ukuncintisana okusha. Unalo ukungqubuzana nayo yonke, ikakhulukazi eqenjini le-cosmic ka-NebulaNymph, ebavela ngokuthi "beba i-starlight kuyilapho thina bonke sikhutshwa emnyameni." Futhi hawu, izindaba ezikhulayo! U-Foxfire uhlangana no-TwistieTornado nge-tag-team takedown ku-BustyBandit, umfelandawonye wabo i-whirlwind ye-whimsy ne-wrath, i-metaphors ezungeza kusukela ezilwaneni ze-mythic—amadragon adla amadolobha ngokuziphindiselela okuneminwe—kaya ezinhlekeleleni ze-culinary climaxes lapho izibhancu ze-bedlam ziqhumeka njengezimbewu ezibolile kwi-blender brawl, kuphela ziye ze-galactic, izinkanyezi zingqubuzana em-symphonies emisluphini, ziphede ezinhlekeleleni ze-apocalyptic absurdities lapho umlando wedijithali wonke ujengwe emaphethelweni okucima.

I-sidebar ye-stream-of-consciousness: Ngilahleka lapha, abantu—amehlo amile, ingqondo ibilile njenge-cauldron yomthakathi ngaphandle kwama-witches, noma lungaza, ngabe lezi zithombe ze-webcam zingama-witches? I-rhetorical outburst ezayo: Ngubani ofaka isikole kulesi apocalypse? Kungangathi u-William S. Burroughs waphahlazeka umkhumbi we-Russ Meyer film festival, yonke i-cut-up chaos ne-curvaceous carnage, futhi ngimi lapha, i-sap elihlwempu elibhala, impilo yami ishlipile njenge-sepu e-steam bath. Buyela empini—u-LavaLita, njengomqali wezikhathi zonke, ubuyela nge-plot twist, ehlangana no-SilkSiren ngo-swerve emangalisayo eshiya u-EarthlyEruptor etshiseka, i-duo lakhe elisha lingena ezindaweni zokuphazamiseka lapho izinto ze-enchanted artifacts ziguquka kusukela ezintweni zokudlala nje kuya ezama-talisman ze-terror, zihlanganisa ama-webs abamba iqembu lonke. Cabanga imizamo yeqembu manje: ukuncintisana kuyahlukumeza ibe i-factions, i-crossovers zigobhoza njengama-domino emphupheni wodakwe, u-BustyBandit ubhambathisa phakathi kokungaviseki, izindlela zakhe ze-bandit zibuyela emuva em-barrage ye-black comedy lapho egcina eyakhe i-butt yezinhlolo zakhe, ngokweqiniso ishlipile kwi-slop yakhe ngokwako em-slapstick squabble.

Ngiguqula ku-parade ye-pun—u-NebulaNymph, ngo-irony yakhe engapheli, aqala uku-riff ku-space puns phakathi kwe-interludes zakhe ze-interstellar, ebiza i-climaxes zakhe "black hole banquets" ezincela imiphefumulo futhi zikhiphe izinkanyezi, kuyilapho u-FeralFoxfire ephikisa nge-foxhole follies, izenzo zakhe i-frenzy yoboya nomlilo ezingenza izindaba zika-Aesop ziqule. Futhi i-absurd riffs? U-TwistieTornado udlula nge-tornado-themed tangents, ezungeza konke kube i-pretzels ye-perversity, i-Trinidadian twang yakhe ingena i-rhythmic rumble ku-rant. I-self-mocking meltdown alert: Ngi lapha, u-narrator nonpareil, ngihlakazeka njenge-sweater eshibi emzabalazweni wekati, ngihleka ngokwethu okonakele—dlulisela i-popcorn, noma noma yini i-digital detritus esigcina empeleni kulesi void.

Njengoba amahora ahlangana abe i-blur enkulu, izindaba ezikhulayo zafika ku-pitch efisa—umfelandawonye ka-SilkSiren no-LavaLita uqhuma ngokumangalisayo lapho u-BustyBandit ethengisa u-Twistie ngezithembiso ze-pixelated plunder, okuholela ku-three-way tango engadlali umdanso, ngaphezulu kwe-demolition. U-EarthlyEruptor, ungaphazamiseki, uhlanganisa i-earthly eruptions no-FeralFoxfire, i-cataclysm yabo ehlanganyelwe iqhekeza ikhodi ye-chaos, i-metaphors ikhula kusukela ezinhlekeleleni ze-earthy eruptions—intaba-mlilo ihlanza izinqumo ezicwebezelayo—kaya ezinhlelweni ze-futuristic forays lapho amarobhothi avukela em-riots ezijabulisayo, azungeze i-galactic ngama-wormholes akhula abe i-wet wonderlands, ekugcineni i-apocalyptic njengoba ama-digital doomsdays athiwa, izikrini ziqhekeza njenge-last stand ye-sanity. U-NebulaNymph, i-cosmic queen, azama ukubadla bonke nge-grand finale engu-Lynchian lunacy engu-pure, i-starry stage yakhe iguquka ibe i-mirror maze ye-madness lapho i-reflections zivukela, kodwa hawu, i-black comedy ibuyela emuva lapho izinto zakhe ze-gadgets ziphazamiseka, ziguqula ukunqoba kube i-travesty em-gooey gaffe enza iqembu lonke lihleke.

Ngihlanganisa i-wildcards—ngena u-MysticMarauder, lesi sikhova semfihlakalo sase-Melbourne, i-age vibe i-eternal enigma, ama-tag "mystical mayhem" kodwa yonke imayini ngokuhamba ezinqundweni, ezethula yonke phakathi kwe-mayhem nge-drop emangalisayo ephazamisa imizamo, ingakhethi muntu kodwa igxube wonke umbiza. Indaba yakhe? I-manifesto yomarauder ye-metaphysical mishaps, ingqubuzana no-SilkSiren's silkiness em-ncintisweni engu-silk sheets ibhekana ne-storm sails, i-crossover yabo i-cyclone ye-silk ne-steel. Futhi ungakhohlwa u-VoltageVixen, ezapha e-Vancouver, ubuhlanga bakhe be-electric i-jolt ye-Japanese-Canadian jolt, ama-tag "tech temptress" alahleka ngokuzizwela njengoba ezisa i-ether, ama-volts akhe akhula ukuncintisana kube i-new voltages, ikakhulukazi ngokumelene ne-nebulous nonsense ka-Nebula—kuyilapho i-electricity ibhekana ne-ether, izimpawu zibhabha em-ncintisweni engu-firework ne-fiasco ngokulinganayo.

I-chatty aside: Damn, ikhibhodi yami ibhema kulesi sprint—ngidinga i-caffeine, noma mhlawumbe into eqinile ukugxashela iziphephelo ze-gonzo gone wild. Kodwa qhubeka, ngoba i-pièce de résistance yafika lapho yonke imicu yatwebana em-titanic tie-up: u-LavaLita eholayo, u-BustyBandit engaviseki ngakwesokunxele nangakwesokudla, u-Twistie ezungeza ukuzinikezela njenge-taffy, u-Eruptor eqhumeka nge-epic eloquence, u-Siren e-siren-calling chaos, u-Nebula nebulizing i-narrative, u-Foxfire foxing foes, u-Marauder marauding madly, u-Vixen voltage-vexing villains. Imizamo yeqembu yehlela em-delirium emnandi, izindaba ezungeza zaba i-maelstrom enkulu lapho i-metaphors zalingana ngokuphazima—kusukela ezilwaneni ze-mythic zidla izinyanga kuya ezinqumweni ze-culinary conquests ze-cosmic casseroles, i-futuristic flotillas ze-floating fantasies zingqubuzana em-graveyards ye-galactic goo, i-apocalyptic ngamakhulu emhlaba acwebeka em-wet whimpers.

Ekugcineni—noma kwakukhona ukuphela?—lesi sihambo esingaqondakali sengishiye mina, u-documentarian ophazimagileyo, ngiphelelwe amandla futhi ngijabule, ingqondo yami i-mosaic ye-madness. I-rant iphelile